The soul of a man is a life consisting of three powers, Memory, Understanding and Will, after the image and likeness of the Blessed Trinity; inasmuch as the Memory was made strong and stedfast by the power of the Father to hold and retain God in perpetual remembrance, without forgetting, distracting or letting of any creature, and so it hath the likeness of the Father. The Understanding was made bright and clear, without error or darkness, as perfectly as a soul in a body unglorified could have, and so it hath the likeness and image of the Son, who is infinite wisdom. The Will and affections were made pure and clean, burning in love towards God, without sensual love of the flesh or of any creature by the sovereign goodness of God the Holy Ghost, and so it hath the likeness of the Holy Ghost, which is blessed love. Whereby you may see that man’s soul (which may be called a created Trinity) was in its natural estate replenished in its three powers with the remembrance, sight and love of the most blessed uncreated Trinity, which is God. (John Climacus)

My memory is faulty. It does not recall completely or accurately. It too often retrieves that which is not helpful.

My understanding is limited and prone to error. It is especially troubled by fear. It can over-complicate and obscure.

My will is easily confused and distracted. I hesitate, second-guess, and even when I engage, may choose to retreat.

These are the essential gifts. I have received them. I have opened them. I use them. But I have too often failed to care for the gifts and can even abuse them.

This is a strait and narrow way that no bodily thing can pass through it, for it is a slaying of all sin, as St Paul saith: Mortify your members that are upon earth, not the members of our body but of our soul, as uncleanness, lust, evil concupiscence, avarice, fond love to ourselves and earthly things. Therefore as thy endeavour has been heretofore to resist bodily sins and open temptations of the enemy, and that in matters as it were from without; right so it behoveth thee now, in this spiritual work within thyself, to batter down and destroy the ground of sin in thyself as much as thou canst. Which that thou mayest be better able to perform, I shall give thee the best counsel I can. (John Climacus)

Each morning before I reengage with Climacus, I read what Forward Day-by-Day offers. Today's includes:

If you have never tried it, spend one minute today--just sixty seconds--letting God love you. While you sit there quietly, listen to your mind tell you all the reasons why you are not worthy. Then tell it to hush. You are God's glory and joy. You are God's beloved child.

Psalm 50, assigned for today, concludes with, "Those who bring thanksgiving as their sacrifice honour me; to those who go the right way I will show the salvation of God.’

The mind is not wrong when it tells me I am not worthy, but that knowledge does not move me closer to God. The psalm includes a clear warning of what God will do to the wicked. God's love is unconditional, but our choices still have consequences.

It will be interesting to read what Climacus recommends to batter down and destroy the ground of sin. I hope it will include a full measure of thanksgiving and openness to God's grace.

The image is a modern icon of the Ladder of Divine Ascent by Tom Clark.

This pain and travail is somewhat straight and narrow, nevertheless I hope it is the way which Christ teacheth to them that would be His perfect lovers in the Gospel, saying: Strive to enter in at the strait gate, for strait is the gate, and narrow is the way that leadeth to life, and few men find it. How strait this way is, He telleth us in another place: Whoso will come after me, let him forsake himself and hate his own soul. That is to say, forsake all fleshly love and hate his own carnal life and vain liking of all his bodily senses for love of Me; and take the cross, that is suffer the pain of this awhile and then follow Me; that is to say, in Contemplation of My Humanity and of My Divinity. (John Climacus)

In terms of hating our own soul, Climacus is drawing on the 12th chapter of John, where Jesus says,

The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. Very truly, I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Those who love their life lose it, and those who hate their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me, and where I am, there will my servant be also. Whoever serves me, the Father will honour.

Jesus also said we should love our neighbor as ourself. Can these two insructions be reconciled?

The essential self is not the wheat shell - no matter how golden and regardless of how beautiful it may be swaying in the breeze.

The essential self is the creative potential within each of us, that which we especially share with our creator.

By distinquishing shell from source we are better able to know ourselves and how we might serve - and abide with - Jesus.

Verily until this ground be well ransacked and deep digged, and as it were dried up by casting out of all fleshly and worldly loves and fears, a soul can never spiritually feel the burning love of Jesus Christ nor have the homeliness of His gracious presence, nor have a clear sight of spiritual things by light in the understanding. This then must be the travail and labour of a man, to draw his heart and mind from the fleshly love and liking of all earthly creatures, from vain thoughts and from fleshly imaginations and from the love and vicious feeling of himself, so that the soul shall or may find or take no rest in any fleshly thoughts or worldly affections. Then inasmuch as the soul cannot as yet find her spiritual rest and satisfaction in the sight and love of Jesus, therefore it must needs be that in the meanwhile she must find and feel some pain and wearisomeness.(John Climacus)

There are times when the fathers of the early church seem much more confident of the power of temptation than the love of Jesus.

It is as if they worry Jesus can't stand the competition. Only after worldly loves and fleshly imagination are removed can Jesus hold our attention.

Is it not more about bringing Jesus into our loves and imagination? When our work, words, and hopes are infused with the principles of God's reign, then we will find spiritual rest and satisfaction.

There is one work more very needful and expedient to travail, in which I esteem also to be the plain highway in our working (as much as may be) to Contemplation: and that is, for a man to enter into himself, to know his own soul and the powers thereof. By this inward sight thou shalt come to see the nobility and dignity that naturally it had in its first creation; and thou shalt also see the wretchedness and the mischief which thou art fallen into by sin. From this sight will arise a desire with great longing in thine heart to recover again that dignity and nobleness which thou hast lost. Also thou shalt feel a loathing and detestation of thyself, with a great will and desire to destroy and beat down thyself and all things that let thee from that dignity and that joy. This is a spiritual work, hard and sharp in the beginning, for those that will go speedily and seriously about it. For it is an exercise in the soul against the ground of all sins, little and great, which ground is nought else but a false mistrusted love of man to himself. Out of this love, as St Austin saith, springeth all manner of sin, deadly and venial.(John Climacus)

Just a few paragraphs before Climacus encouraged us to meditation and described it much as he describes contemplation. The confusion distracts me.

The self-examination described here - whatever it might be called - requires a kind of spiritual archeology, sifting through the detritus of the surface and several layers below to arrive at the original formation.

In Harv is Plowing, John Updike wrote, "I look up, and the stars in their near clarity press upon my face, bear in upon my guilt and shame with the strange, liquidly strong certainty that, humanly considered, the universe is perfectly transparent: we exist as flaws in ancient glass. And in apprehending this transparence my mind enters a sudden freedom, like insanity; the stars seem to me a roof, the roof of days from which we fall each night and survive, a miracle. I await resurrection Archeology is the science of the incredible. Troy and Harappa were fables until the shovel struck home."

Also, when he said: There are varieties of gifts, to one is given the word of wisdom, to another the word of knowledge. And also when he said: To every one of us is given grace, according to the measure of the donation of Christ. And further, where he said: That we may know the things that are given us by God. He saith that every one hath his gift of God: For to every man that shall be saved is given a grace according to the measure of Christ’s gift. Therefore it is speedful that we know the gifts that are given us by God, that we may work in them, for by those we shall be saved, as some by bodily works, and by deeds of mercy, some by great bodily penance, some by sorrow and weeping for their sins all their lifetime, some by preaching and teaching, some by divers graces and gifts of devotion shall be saved and come to bliss. (John Climacus)

When I was a child - perhaps nine years-of-age - I prayed that I might not lose the eyes of a child, the ability of children to see what others miss and imagine even more.

God heard my prayer and extended this gift. It has been a wonderful gift. It also has its challenges. What I see, many do not. What I imagine is not understood by most.

I have not always found the skills of description or motivation, or the personal discipline, to complement God's gift of creative perception. Opportunities are lost, potential is unrealized.

The distance between what is and what could be is sometimes daunting. But that distance is also full of interesting people, puzzles to solve, lessons to learn, and the unfolding of God's love.

I did not pray for success. I prayed for eyes to see and the ears to hear. It is a wonderful world to see and hear. Dear God, whatever my sins and failures, may I be increasingly enthusiastic.

LL enthūsiasmus, Gk enthousiasmós, equiv. to enthousí ( a ) possession by a god (énthous, var. of éntheos having a god within, equiv. to en- en-2 + -thous, -theos god-possessing + -ia y 3 ) + -asmos, var., after vowel stems, of -ismos -ism

Right so it is in the spiritual course, whoso hath grace, be it never so little, and wittingly leaveth it, and the working upon it, and putteth himself to the exercise or practice of another kind, for which he hath not as yet received a gift or grace, but doth it only because he seeth, readeth, or heareth that some others do so, he may perhaps run awhile till he be weary and then will he turn home again, and if he be not the more wary, may hurt his feet with such fancies before he get home. But he that continueth working upon such grace as he hath, and humbly beggeth by prayer perseverantly for more, and after feeleth his heart stirred to follow after the grace which he desired, he may securely run, if he keep himself humble. Therefore, desire of God as much as thou wilt or canst, without measure or moderation at all concerning any thing that belongs to His love or Heaven’s bliss, for he that can desire most of God shall feel and receive most; but work as thou mayest and cry God mercy, for that thou canst not do. Thus St Paul seems to mean, when he said: Every one hath a proper gift of God, one so, and another so. (John Climacus)

I admire the spiritual calm of others. I am not calm.

I admire the spiritual patience of others. I am not patient.

I admire the spiritual detachment of others. I am not detached.

Rather than running after these gifts - which I have not been given - it would be better to cultivate the excitement, urgency, engagement and other gifts that God has given.

None of our gifts are given in isolation. My urgency will be balanced by the patience of another. But his or her patience depends on my urgency for the wholeness of God to be known.

Our holy Fathers heretofore taught us that we should know the measure of our gift, and therefore to work upon it, and according to it, and not take upon us, out of our head or imagination, to have more in our feeling or ability than indeed we have. We may ever desire the best, but we may not ever work the best or our utmost, because we have not yet received that grace and ability. A hound that runneth after the hare only because he seeth other hounds run, when he is weary, he stayeth and resteth, or turneth home again; but if he run because he seeth or is in view of the hare, he will not spare for weariness till he have caught her. (John Climacus)

What is my gift?

I see opportunity where others do not. I see connections where others do not. I have some skill in applying connections to advancing opportunity.

Sometimes - usually for a short time - I am able to motivate others to see the same opportunities and connections.

But if opportunity is my "hare," I have often run past weariness and still not caught it. I have experienced the deficit of grace and ability that impedes achievement of the best desire.

I look forward to reading what Climacus has to counsel.

The image is by the contemporary artist Roger Ewers.

Therefore, if a man have received a gift from God, as devotion in prayer, or in the Passion of Christ, or any other, be it never so little, let him not leave it quickly for any other, unless he assuredly find and feel a better, but hold that which he hath, and exercise himself therein seriously, ever desiring a better when God will give it. Nevertheless, if that be withdrawn somewhat, and he seeth a better, and feeleth his heart stirred thereto, then seemeth it to be a calling of our Lord to the better, and then is it time that he follow after it, to get it, and fall to practise it as speedily as he may. (John Climacus)

This generation is not alone in each wanting to know our gift.

But, too often, when we find it, we are dissatisfied with it. Being Martha we want to be Mary. Being Paul we want to be Peter. Being Aaron we want to be Moses.

Or having truly received the gift, cherished it, and organized our life around it, we cling to the gift rather than to the giver. The gift becomes idol.

Whatever spiritual gifts have been given are for the purpose of bringing ourselves and others into closer relationship with God.

Dear God, help me to know my gift. Help me to use it to know you.

But after thou hast escaped these temptations, or else if our Lord hath so kept thee (as He doth many by His mercy) that thou hast not been troubled much with any such, then it is good for thee that thou beware of turning thy rest into idleness; for there is many a man that taketh rest upon him too soon, as if he were ripe for rest in Contemplation. But if thou wilt do well, begin a new game and a new travail, and that is, by meditation, to enter within into thy own soul, for to know what it is, and by the knowing thereof to come to the spiritual knowledge of God. For St Austin saith, By the knowing of myself I shall get the knowledge of God. I say not that such exercise is absolutely necessary, and thy bounden duty, unless thou feel thyself stirred up by grace, and as it were called thereto. For our Lord giveth divers gifts where He pleaseth, not all to one man, nor one to every man, save the gift of charity, which is common to all. (John Climacus)

Contemplātus ptp. of contemplāre, contemplārī to survey, observe, equiv. to con- con- + templ ( um ) space marked off for augural observation, temple + -ātus -ate.

Com- a prefix meaning “with,” “together,” “in association,” and (with intensive force) “completely,” occurring in loanwords from Latin.

Meditātiōn-(s. of meditātiō ) a thinking over, reflect, plan (see meditate, -ion); r. ME meditacioun < AF < Latin.

Most English dictionaries conflate contemplate and meditate. But contemplation is a public act attentive to God in our context, while meditation is a process of spiritual self-examination.

God exists in both the exterior and the interior. Engaging in both contemplation and meditation can help us more fully know God.

By these words may you see that these temptations or any other, be they ever so ugly, are expedient and profitable to a man that by grace is in full will to forsake sin, if he will be willing to suffer and abide God’s will, and not turn again to sin which he hath forsaken, for any sorrow, or pain, or dread of such temptations; but ever stand still in travail and in prayer with good hope. Our Lord of His endless goodness having pity and mercy of all His creatures, when He seeth time, will put to His hand and smite down the devil and all his power, and ease him of his travail, and put away all dreads and sorrows and darkness out of his heart, and brings into his soul the light of grace, opening the eye thereof to see, that all the travail that he hath had was expedient for him, giving him also fresh spiritual might to withstand all the suggestions of the fiend and all deadly sins without great difficulty, and leadeth him into a stability and settledness of virtue and good living; in which, if he keepeth himself humble to the end, then will He take him wholly to himself. Thus much have I said, that thou mightest not be troubled or letted with any such temptation, or too much afraid; but do as I have said, and better if thou canst, and I hope through the grace of Jesus Christ thou shalt never be overcome by thine enemy. (John Climacus)

Being a "man that by grace is in full will to forsake sin" is the key element in the calculus Climacus is using. He is writing for the monastic, the man or woman who has taken vows.

For those who have made this commitment the travail of temptation can be a cleansing of past life and forging of purpose.

I do not have a full will to forsake sin. I am aware of my sins. They trouble me. I can put them aside for a time. But they return without much struggle.

Temptation comes from a Latin word meaning to probe, feel, test, or try. Being uncertain of my purpose I continue to look about and probe for purpose.

Rather than a rigorous training regimen, my encounter with temptation is more similar to a fat man taking a leisurely walk after a huge dinner.

The wise man, because he would have not despair in temptation, to comfort them saith thus: In temptation our Lord forsaketh not a man, but goeth with him from the beginning to the end. For he saith first, He chooseth him, and that is, when He draweth a man to Him by comfort of devotion, and afterward bringeth upon him sorrow and dread and trials, and that is when He withdraweth devotion and suffereth him to be tempted. And he saith that He tormenteth him in tribulation until He hath well tried him in his thoughts, and until a man will put all his trust in Him fully, and then He bringeth him out into the right way, and fasteneth him to Him, and gladdeneth him, and sheweth him His secrets, and giveth him His treasure of knowing and understanding of righteousness.(John Climacus)

The God of Climacus is a coach or trainer who puts us through our paces in order to bring us to peak condition.

Temptations are training tools, stretching our spiritual sinews.

Maybe this is true for Climacus. In my own case, I perceive temptation and sin to be more like distractions along the way or self-created delusions.

God does not cause my temptations and sin, but God is ready to help me continue or reclaim the way ahead.

In any case, I agree with Climacus, God goes with us from beginning to end.

Moreover, for the comfort of such men, that they may not despair in temptation, the wise man saith thus of our Lord: In temptation He walketh with him, and bringeth fear and dread upon him, and torments him with His discipline, till He try him in his cogitations, and may trust His soul: And He will establish him, and make a direct way unto him, and make him glad, and will disclose His secrets to him, and will heap upon him as treasures knowledge of understanding and justice. (John Climacus)

And so... Climacus seems to say that it is through temptation and our struggle with temptation that God finds a direct way to us.

The wise man quoted is from the fourth chapter of Ecclesiasticus (or Sirach). A modern translation concludes with, "Then she (Wisdom) will come straight back to them again and gladden them and will reveal her secrets to them." (Sirach 4:18 New Revised Standard Version)

A straight, direct connection with God is forged in the turmoil of temptation. If we do not despair, the outcome is wisdom.

Of this manner of temptations by which a man seemeth forsaken of God, and is not, the help and comfort is this: The Lord saith by His prophet, For a little space have I left thee, but in great mercy will I gather thee. For a moment of indignation have I hid my face a little while from thee, and in mercy everlasting will I have mercy on thee. As if He had said, I suffered thee to be troubled a little while, and in a point of My wrath I smote thee; that is to say, the penance and the pain that thou sufferest here is but a point or little prick of My wrath, in regard of the pain of hell or of purgatory. Yet in My manifold mercies I shall gather thee; when thou thinkest thyself forsaken, then will I of My great mercy gather thee again to Me; for when thou esteemest thyself, as it were, lost, then shall our Lord help thee, as Job saith: When thou shalt think thyself consumed, thou shalt arise as the daystar, and thou shalt have confidence. That is to say, when thou art brought so low by travail into temptation that thou despairest of help or comfort, like a forlorn man, yet stand stiffly in hope and pray to God, and verily thou shalt suddenly spring up as the day-star, in gladness of heart, and have a sure trust in God.(John Climacus)

In all of the troubles I have encountered, I have never perceived that God was the cause.

In each of my troubles, I have found God present and ready to help.

I have found God's help to be generous beyond measure, and often more than I could - or would - fully accept.

As Climacus writes, if and when I have stiffly prayed to God, I have - no matter how deep my sorrow and sin - found a sure trust in God.

This is love beyond merit, mercy beyond measure, and grace defined.

And therefore they shall do well to divert their thoughts from them as much as they can, and set them upon some business. And if they will still hang upon them, then it is good for them that they be not angry nor heavy through feeling of them; but with a good trust in God bear them (like a bodily sickness and scourge of our Lord for the cleansing of their sins as long as He pleaseth) out of love to Him, even as He was willing to be scourged and bear His cross for the love of them. Moreover, it is good for them to open their minds to some wise man in the beginning, before these temptations get rooting in their heart, and that they forsake their own wit and judgement and follow the counsel of another. But that they show them not unadvisedly or lightly to any unskilful or worldly man, who never felt such temptations, for such may happily by their unskilfulness bring a simple soul into despair. (John Climacus)

Don't obsess over temptation and sin. Divert your thinking and doing by attention to some good purpose.

Find a wise person to talk through the temptaton to sin. But be careful who you choose.

This counsel makes sense, especially in the context of modern psychological insights. But I am surprised.

My surprise highlights a shallow understanding of Jesus. Time and again Jesus embraced sinners. Helping them lighten their burdens and turn in praise and thanksgiving to a full relationship with God.

It was the self-righteous - not the self-aware sinners - who roused Jesus to condemnation.

Another remedy is that they fear not, nor esteem these malicious stirrings for sins, nor lay to heart that despair or blasphemy, or doubtings of sacrament, or any such other, though never so ugly to hear; for the feeling of these temptations defile the soul no more than if they heard a hound bark or felt the biting of a flea. They vex the soul indeed, but do not harm it, if so be a man despise them and set them at nought, for it is not good to strive with them, as if thou wouldst cast them out by mastery and violence, for the more they strive with them the more they cleave to them. (John Climacus)

Awareness of temptation does not require contention with temptation.

Awareness of a threat does not require engaging the threat. It is often possible to walk away, to avoid the threat.

Contention is a fertile breeding ground for temptation and sin. Calm detachment can help contain the potential of sin.

The remedies for such may be these. First: that they put all their trust in our Lord Jesus Christ, and often call to mind His Passion and the pains that He suffered for us, and that they then believe stedfastly that all sorrows and travail which they suffer in such temptations, which to unskilful men may seem a forsaking by God, are indeed no such leavings or forsakings, but trials for their good, either for cleansing of their former sins or for the great increasing of their reward and the disposing of them for more grace, if they will but suffer awhile and stand fast, that they turn not again willingly to sin. (John Climacus)

To struggle with sin, according to Climacus, does not suggest forsaking God.

I am distracted from God by my own sinfulness. But awareness of sin restores - or can restore - the attention I give God and our relationship.

The act of separating remains a problem and the origin of many troubles. But the awareness of separation is the beginning of grace.

The image is of the pharisee and the publican (Luke 18:9-14)

The devil tempteth others maliciously to spiritual sins, as to doubt of the articles of faith, or of the Sacrament of our Lord’s blessed Body. Also to despair, or blaspheme of God or any of His saints, or to a wearisomeness of their own life, or to bitterness against others, or foolish melancholy and sadness, or too much fear of themselves, of doing hurt to their healths by giving themselves so much to serving of God. Some others, and namely solitary folks, he frighteth with dreads and ugly shapes appearing to their eyes or to their imaginations, causing often thereby great shakings and quakings in their bodies, either sleeping or waking, and so troubleth them that they can hardly take any rest. And also many other ways he tempteth, more than I can or may say. (John Climacus)

I am tempted to melancholy and sadness. I am afflicted by worry and, perhaps, overactive response to worry. And also many other ways of temptation, more than I can or may say.

But my melancholy can also be a gift. Over the years it has encouraged empathy toward others and personal discipline.

Each of us carry burdens. Knowing my own allows me to more easily recognize those of others. It does no good whatsoever to underestimate the power of such burdens.

Melancholy has given boundaries and discipline to my life. To manage it I am more mindful of what I eat and drink, how I exercise, and how much I sleep.

In bringing burdens to God they can be lightened and transformed, even becoming sources of strength and cause for thanksgiving.

All this the devil worketh (by God’s permission) to make them repent of their good purposes, and turn back to their former courses of sinning. But whoso will abide, and suffer a little pain, and not turn again to sin for anything, the hand of our Lord is full near, and will help them right soon, for He hath much care of that man that is in such a case, though he knoweth it not; for so saith David in the person of our Lord: I am with him in trouble, I will deliver him, and he shall glorify Me. (John Climacus)

As far as I can tell, I do not require the devil to get me sinning. I am expertly self-motivating.

My most effective object of motivation is external validation. Am I attractive? Am I witty? Am I knowledgable? Am I wise?

Who will tell me? Whose opinion matters? How can I show them? What validation is sufficient? What can they say or do to satisfy me?

Such vanity, when fully indulged, is more than enough to separate me from God. A minute of self-absorption is enough to distract me for a day or more.

The only release from such self-doubt is when I have been closest to God. Yet like a moth to a flame, again and again I am drawn to vanity's false light

Nevertheless it behoveth a man to suffer many temptations first, which shall befall some men often after that their comfort is withdrawn, and that sundry ways by the malice of the enemy. As thus: when the devil perceiveth devotion much withdrawn, that the soul is left, as it were, naked for a time, then sendeth he to some temptations of lust, of gluttony, and these so hot and burning that they shall think they never felt so grievous ones in all their life before, even when they gave themselves most to such sins. Insomuch as they think it impossible to stand out long from falling without help. And, therefore, have they then much sorrow for lack of comfort and devotion which formerly they have had, and much dread also of falling from God by such open sins. (John Climacus)

Sin is an act or omission that separates us from God and ultimately from our own true self.

What do we call the weakness, hurt we cause others, and self-betrayal that draws us closer to God?

Failure and fear draws me close to God. It is success and self-confidence that drives me farthest away.

Recognizing I am a fallen and dependent creature makes me cling to God. In shame - rather than humility - I come to God.

But I also understand God to urge that love is much better than shame. Rather than seeking forgiveness God intends that we come close with thanksgiving.

The image is of a contemporary painting by Conor Walton.

As long as He was with them they loved Him much, but it was fleshly according to His humanity, and therefore it was necessary that He should withdraw His bodily presence, that the Holy Ghost might come to them and teach them how to love Him and know Him more spiritually, as He did at Pentecost. Right so, it is expedient for some that our Lord withdraw a little the fleshly and bodily image from the eye of their soul, that their heart may be set and fixed more busily in spiritual desire and seeking of His divinity. (John Climacus)

In the Symposium Plato writes of a Ladder of Love. We begin our ascent by "falling in love with the beauty of one individual body, so that passion may give life to noble discourse." Climacus also begins with the body of Christ.

Climacus is writing a Ladder of Divine Ascent, but it's steps are similar to those of Plato's ladder. After several more steps, Plato writes,

Nor will his vision of the beautiful take the form of a face, or of hands, or of anything that is of the flesh. It will be neither words, nor knowledge, nor a something that exists in something else, such as a living creature, or the earth, or the heavens, or anything that is--but subsisting of itself and by itself in an eternal oneness, while every lovely thing partakes of it in such sort that, however much the parts may wax and wane, it will be neither more nor less, but still the same inviolable whole.

What begins with flesh ends in spirit.

But this manner of meditation a man hath not always when he would, but only when our Lord will give it. Unto some He giveth it all their lifetime by fits, when He visiteth them; some men being so tender in their affections that, when they hear men speak or think themselves of this precious Passion, their hearts melt into devotion, and are fed and comforted thereby against all manner of temptations of the enemy, and this is a great gift of God. To some men He giveth it plentifully at the first, and afterwards withdraws it for divers causes, either if a man grow proud of it in his own eyes, or for some other sin by which he disableth himself to receive the grace; or else our Lord withdraweth it, and all other devotions sometimes, because He will suffer him to be tried with temptations of the enemy, and thereby will dispose a man to understand and feel our Lord more spiritually, for so He saith to His disciples: It is expedient for you that I go away from you, for except I go the Holy Ghost will not come. (John Climacus)

The church has taught, as does Climacus that, "Christ is the power of God and the endless wisdom of God." I do not dissent.

But it is from Jesus that I more often receive intimations of grace.

God is ineffable. The Holy Spirit is - at least for me - coy and mysterious.

Jesus is recognizable, accessible, and always ready with an example, analogy, or other help to understanding.

I perceive that God has given great care in finding diverse ways to communicate endless wisdom. In Jesus - and for me - God found an excellent way.

As if he had said: My knowing and my faith is only in the Passion of Christ; and therefore he saith thus also: God forbid I should rejoice in anything, save in the cross of Christ. Nevertheless afterward he saith: We preach unto you Christ, the power of God and the wisdom of God. As who should say: First I preached of the humanity and Passion of Christ; now I preach to you of the Godhead, that Christ is the power of God, and the endless wisdom of God. (John Climacus)

Jesus taught his disciples to heal. They were not always able to heal, but sometimes they did.

Jesus taught his disciples to preach the good news. Their preaching had varied results, but so did the preaching of Jesus.

Jesus taught his disciples to pray. They sometimes fell-asleep instead. But alone and together they could pray and praise with power.

All that Jesus could do, he encouraged his disciples to do. Despite fear, fatigue, and failure they learned to do as Jesus had done.

So can we, in faith vulnerable to the holy spirit and empowered by love.

The image is of St. Peter and St. John healing a cripple.

For it is an opening of the spiritual eye into the humanity of Christ, and may be called the fleshly love of God, as St Bernard saith, inasmuch as it is set upon the fleshly nature of Christ, and it is right good, and a great help for the destroying of great sins, and a good way to come to virtues, and so after to the Contemplation of the Godhead. For a man shall not come to the spiritual light in Contemplation of Christ’s Godhead, unless first he be exercised in imagination with bitterness and compassion, and in stedfast thinking of His humanity. Thus St Paul did, and therefore first he saith: I desired to know nothing among you but Jesus Christ and Him crucified. (John Climacus)

If Jesus was fully human, as orthodox teaching holds, he had the freedom to choose. In the wilderness, or in the Garden or with Pilate he might have chosen a different way.

But Jesus chose to fulfill his true self. He knew his purpose and context with sufficient clarity to make choices that would advance that purpose.

We have examples where Jesus struggled to choose, as with the woman caught in adultery or on the eve of his crucifixion. With the Samaritan woman at the well Jesus was persuaded to change his choice.

Perhaps purpose was so clear to Jesus because he was especially self-aware of choosing. Too often we choose out of negligence.

Dear God, help me today to recognize your gift of choice.

And then sometime after this travail and exercise, and sometimes together with it, such a man that hath been so defiled with sins, or else another who, by the grace of God, hath been kept in innocence, our Lord bestoweth on him the meditation of His humanity, or of His birth, or of His Passion, and of the compassion of our Lady, St Mary. When this meditation is made by the help of the Holy Ghost, then it is right profitable and gracious, and thou shalt know it by this token: when thou art stirred to a meditation in God, and thy thoughts are suddenly drawn out from all worldly and fleshly things, and thou thinkest that thou seest in thy soul the Lord Jesus in a bodily likeness as He was on earth, and how He was taken by the Jews and bound as a thief, beaten and despised, scourged and judged to death, how lowly He bore the cross upon His back, and how cruelly He was nailed thereon; also of the crown of thorns upon His head, and of the sharp spear that sticked Him to the heart; and thou in this spiritual sight feelest thy heart stirred to so great compassion and pity of thy Lord Jesus, that thou mournest and weepest, and criest with all thy might of body and soul, wondering at the goodness, the love, the patience, the meekness of thy Lord Jesus, that He would, for so sinful a caitiff as thou art, suffer so much pain; and, nevertheless, thou seest so much goodness and mercy to be in Him that thy heart riseth up into a love and a joy and a gladness in Him, with many sweet tears, having great trust of the forgiveness of thy sins and the salvation of thy soul by the virtue of this precious Passion; so that when the meditation of Christ’s Passion, or any part of His humanity is thus wrought in thy heart by such a spiritual sight, with devout affection answerable thereunto, know well that it is not of thy own working, nor the feigning or working of any evil spirit, but by the grace of the Holy Ghost. (John Climacus)

For me the example Jesus offers of how to live is more powerful than the example of his death.

In the passion of Jesus I focus less the paschal lamb than the human butchers. In love, friendship, healing, forgiving, and fulfilling his purpose we see the grace of the holy spirit acting on Jesus.

May I make myself vulnerable to the holy spirit, open to its grace.

And scarce can he take any rest, or be quiet, insomuch that his body were not able to undergo such vexation and pain, were it not that our Lord of His mercy sometimes comforteth him by the consideration of His Passion, and devotion wrought in him thereto; or by some other means as He seeth good. After this manner worketh He in some men’s hearts more or less, as He will, and this is through His great mercy, that not only will He forgive the sin or the trespass, but will both forgive the trespass and the pain due for it in Purgatory, for such a little pain here felt in the remorse and biting of conscience. Also, to make a man rightly to receive any special gift or degree of the love of God, it behoveth that he first be scoured and cleansed by such a fire of compunction for all his great sins before done. Of this kind of exercise of compunction often David speaks in the Psalter, but especially in the psalm, Miserere mei, Deus—Have mercy on me, O God. (John Climacus)

If there is a purgatory or a hell, I conceive it as a passing-through, a scouring, a process of experiencing the pain I have caused.

If heaven is a restored unity with God, as we cross into the full awareness of God we will know all that we have done and left undone.

In that knowing we will feel the hunger, fear, isolation, doubt, and more that our action and inaction produced.

Perfect empathy will be, at least for me, profoundly painful. But as my life is finite, so will be the pain that I have caused.

My hope is in the infinite love of God.

Divers sorts of meditations there be which our Lord putteth in a man’s heart. Some of them shall I tell thee of that thou mayest exercise thyself in them. In the beginning of the conversion of such a man as hath been much defiled with worldly or fleshly sins, commonly his thoughts are much upon his sins with great compunction and sorrow of heart, with great weeping and many tears humbly and busily asking mercy and forgiveness of God for them. And if he be deeply touched in conscience for them (for then our Lord will soon cleanse him from them), his sins will seem ever to be in his sight, and that so foul and so horrible, that hardly can he be able to brook or endure himself for them; and though he confess himself never so clearly of them, yet will he find difficulty and a fretting and biting in his conscience about them, thinking that he hath not confessed right. (John Climacus)

I am a sinner both in what I do and what I do not do. I am especially inclined to the sin of pride, by which I fail to love neighbor, God, or - in any meaningful sense - even myself. Rather than loving, I worship a false image of myself that separates me from God and neighbor.

Despite the depth of my sin, I do not perceive that sinfulness itself draws me to meditation. I am not, typicially, preoccupied by my sin. My sin has become, for better or worse, as an annoying yappy dog that is bound to me, embarrasses me, troubles my day, but that I consider separate from myself.

I am drawn to meditation by a brilliant light, a beautiful music, and by the pull of a strong oceanic current that is taking me someplace - not yet knowable - but from which, even far out to sea, the breeze brings a wonderful fragrance.

Thou must understand that in meditation no certain rule can be set for every one to observe, for they are in the free gift of our Lord, according to divers dispositions of chosen souls, and according as we thrive in that state and in virtues, so God increaseth our meditations, both in spiritual knowing and loving of Him. For whoso is always alike, and at a stand in knowing of God and spiritual things, it seemeth that he profiteth and groweth but little in the love of God, which may be proved by the example of the apostles, who, when at Pentecost they were filled with burning love of the Holy Ghost, became thereby neither fools nor dolts, but became wonderful wise, both in knowing and speaking of God and spiritual things, as much as men could in mortal bodies. For thus saith the Scripture: They were all filled with the Holy Ghost, and began to speak the wonders of God;all which knowledge they got by ravishing in love, through the working of the Holy Ghost within them. (John Climacus)

At the heart of pride is doubt. I indulge in prideful exertion to prove - at least to myself - that I have unique value.

God does not confuse you or me with another. We are each the one and only known by God.

To God neither of us are defined in comparison to one another or with others or in terms of certain types or arbitrary measures.

Dearest God let me know myself as you know me. Let me find the self that you can see.

Help me to know and love the self that you intended at creation.

Therefore do what belongs to thee, and suffer our Lord to give what He will, and teach Him not. Think thyself wretched and negligent, and as it were in great fault for such things, yet for this fault and all other venials which cannot be eschewed in this wretched life lift up thy heart to God, acknowledging thy wretchedness, and cry God mercy, with a good trust of forgiveness, and strive no more therewith, nor stay any longer upon it, as if thou wouldst by main strength not feel such wretchedness, but leave off and go to some other good exercise, either corporal or spiritual, and resolve to do better the next time. Though thou shouldst fall another time into the same defect, yea, an hundred times, yea, a thousand, yet still do as I have said, and all will be well. Moreover a soul that never finds rest of heart in prayer, but all her life is striving with her thoughts, and is troubled and letted with them, if she keep her in humility and charity in other things, she shall have great reward in heaven for her good will and endeavours.(John Climacus)

We are not called to present perfection. We are called to self-awareness and recognition of our relationship with the Perfect.

We are created by the Perfect for perfection, but also so through us the Perfect might participate in and know the imperfect.

The Perfect delights in our freedom, our choices, and even our errors. In us and through us the Perfect has broken the bounds of perfection.

Yet the Perfect also preserves us from the final end of imperfection and reclaims us to the never-ending life of perfection.

Embrace this day - especially this Good Friday - and know the reality of both the Perfect and the imperfect.

When thou goest about to pray, first make and frame betwixt thee and God in thy mind a full purpose and intention in the beginning to serve Him, then with all the powers of thy soul by thy present prayer, and then begin and do as well as thou canst. Though thou be never so much letted contrary to thy former purpose, be not afraid, neither be angry at thyself, nor impatient against God, because He giveth thee not the savour and spiritual sweetness in devotion as thou thinkest He giveth to others. But see therein thy own feebleness and bear it patiently, deeming it to be (as it is) feeble and of no worth in thy own sight, with humility of spirit; trusting also firmly in the mercy of our Lord, that he will make it good and profitable to thee, more than thou imaginest or feelest. For know thou well that thou art excused of thy duty, and thou shalt be rewarded for this (as well as for any other good work done in charity), though thy mind and intention may be not so fully set upon it as thou wishest. (John Climacus)

We begin with purpose and intention. John may be referencing τέλος (telos) and ἔννοια (ennoia).

What is my function, goal, and end in serving God? This is my telos.

What is my act of thinking, the conception spawned by thinking, the notion that emerges from feeling? This is my ennoia.

Can I ever know more than ennoia? I can bring intention to my life. But can I know purpose?

Love God with your whole heart, soul, and mind, and your neighbor as yourself.