And hereby thou mayest learn that those men (if any such there be) who in the beginning of their conversion, or soon after, having felt some spiritual comfort, either in devotion or knowledge, and are not yet stablished therein, leave such vocal prayer and other outward exercises too soon, and give themselves wholly to meditation, are not wise; for ofttimes in that time of rest which they take to themselves for meditation, imagining and thinking on spiritual things after their own fancies, and following their bodily feeling, having not yet received sufficient grace thereto, by indiscretion overtravel their wits and break their bodily strengths and so fall into fancies and singular conceits, or into open errors, and hinder that grace which God hath already given them, by such vanities. The cause of all this is secret pride and overweening of themselves; for when they have felt a little grace and some sensible devotion, they esteem it so much to surpass the graces and favours He doth to others that they fall into vain-glory. (John Climacus)

I began writing morning meditations when I perceived tough times ahead. Writing provided the discipline I needed to read and think more carefully. I was looking -- a bit desparately -- for signs of God's grace.

I hope the worst of the times are past. But if I have learned anything from these years, it is my constant need for God's grace. And I have learned it is not easy to receive grace.

The principal impediments to God's grace -- at least for me -- are busy-ness and pride. Like Martha I am preoccupied with lesser things, even when the opportunity for much greater is close at hand.

Behind this preoccupation is a prideful desire for self-assertion and control. This desire persists, eventhough I am sure it delusional and dangerous. I am still inclined to overtravel my wits, fall into singular conceits, and hinder the grace of God.

"I will exult and rejoice in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have taken heed of my adversities, and have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a broad place." (From Psalm 31)